bibimBUBBA

So we had our scan this morning. It's a little brother for Alex. I know I should be over the moon that our baby is healthy and all in one piece. But I'm devastated. I can't stop crying. I can't believe I'm never going to have a daughter. This is my family. Me and my three boys. No adorable pink dresses in this house. No baby ballet lessons. No taking my daughter wedding dress shopping. Picking out a formal dress. No fairy wings. I've put aside one of my old dolls in the hope we'd have a girl, and now I just feel like throwing it in the bin.

I am insanely jealous of both of my sisters and my friends that have little girls right now. I just finished sewing a Christmas dress for my niece, and am so envious that I'll never get to sew one for my own baby girl.

When I got home, I thought I can just put on some trashy tv and zone out, but I'm up to season of Friends where Ross and Rachel have a GIRL, Gilmore Girls would just be cruel to watch. Every show has some reminder that I'll never have a girl.

Being the good Christian girl that I am, I started praying for a daughter as soon as I gave birth to Alex. I prayed every day, every time I thought about it, for eighteen months. I keep trying to tell myself that God obviously wants me to be the mother of boys for some reason, and considering how much I prayed and still got the other, it must be a pretty special reason. It just doesn't give me any comfort right now.

I want to feel excited about this baby. When Alex wakes up from his nap, we'll go to the shops and I'll buy the cutest boy outfit I can find.

I knew I would be disappointed if I found out it was a boy, I just didn't expect to feel this bad. I figured I'd be a little sad for half an hour, then back to excited. Granted it's only been five hours, but I've pretty much been in tears for four and a half of those. My head hurts. I'm dreading people's comments. People telling me I should be grateful he's healthy. Of course I am. I'm not stupid, I know how lucky we are to have one healthy child, let alone another on the way. Anything anyone could say to me is just going to break my heart at the moment, whether they're trying to make me feel better or not. I don't want to talk to or see anyone except John and Alex.

The annoying thing is that we did everything we could to get a girl. I did the "girl diet", the timing, anything we could think of. John suggested we don't rule out having a third, but I figure being that we did everything "girlish" this time and still got a boy, there's no point trying again. Besides, I would only ever have a third if it was the right thing for my family, and I was happy to have either gender, and that wouldn't be the case. We've always said two kids. My whole life, I assumed they would be girls.

Yeeaccchhhh, I now have to prepare myself for acting super excited to everyone that asks what we're having. Maybe I'll just tell people we didn't find out so they don't say anything.

I know I'll feel better soon. I just need to vent. Nothing anyone says will make me feel better at the moment, I just need time to feel better by myself. I know as soon as the baby's born, I won't be able to imagine him any other way, and I can't wait for that. For now, I'll just avoid anything baby girl related, and try and get in the spirit of some beautiful baby boy nesting. Maybe go through some of Alex's old clothes and photos, and remember how lucky I am.