So we had our scan this morning. It's a little brother for Alex. I know I should be over the moon that our baby is healthy and all in one piece. But I'm devastated. I can't stop crying. I can't believe I'm never going to have a daughter. This is my family. Me and my three boys. No adorable pink dresses in this house. No baby ballet lessons. No taking my daughter wedding dress shopping. Picking out a formal dress. No fairy wings. I've put aside one of my old dolls in the hope we'd have a girl, and now I just feel like throwing it in the bin.

I am insanely jealous of both of my sisters and my friends that have little girls right now. I just finished sewing a Christmas dress for my niece, and am so envious that I'll never get to sew one for my own baby girl.

When I got home, I thought I can just put on some trashy tv and zone out, but I'm up to season of Friends where Ross and Rachel have a GIRL, Gilmore Girls would just be cruel to watch. Every show has some reminder that I'll never have a girl.

Being the good Christian girl that I am, I started praying for a daughter as soon as I gave birth to Alex. I prayed every day, every time I thought about it, for eighteen months. I keep trying to tell myself that God obviously wants me to be the mother of boys for some reason, and considering how much I prayed and still got the other, it must be a pretty special reason. It just doesn't give me any comfort right now.

I want to feel excited about this baby. When Alex wakes up from his nap, we'll go to the shops and I'll buy the cutest boy outfit I can find.

I knew I would be disappointed if I found out it was a boy, I just didn't expect to feel this bad. I figured I'd be a little sad for half an hour, then back to excited. Granted it's only been five hours, but I've pretty much been in tears for four and a half of those. My head hurts. I'm dreading people's comments. People telling me I should be grateful he's healthy. Of course I am. I'm not stupid, I know how lucky we are to have one healthy child, let alone another on the way. Anything anyone could say to me is just going to break my heart at the moment, whether they're trying to make me feel better or not. I don't want to talk to or see anyone except John and Alex.

The annoying thing is that we did everything we could to get a girl. I did the "girl diet", the timing, anything we could think of. John suggested we don't rule out having a third, but I figure being that we did everything "girlish" this time and still got a boy, there's no point trying again. Besides, I would only ever have a third if it was the right thing for my family, and I was happy to have either gender, and that wouldn't be the case. We've always said two kids. My whole life, I assumed they would be girls.

Yeeaccchhhh, I now have to prepare myself for acting super excited to everyone that asks what we're having. Maybe I'll just tell people we didn't find out so they don't say anything.

I know I'll feel better soon. I just need to vent. Nothing anyone says will make me feel better at the moment, I just need time to feel better by myself. I know as soon as the baby's born, I won't be able to imagine him any other way, and I can't wait for that. For now, I'll just avoid anything baby girl related, and try and get in the spirit of some beautiful baby boy nesting. Maybe go through some of Alex's old clothes and photos, and remember how lucky I am.

Stupid early mornings...

So far some reason when I'm pregnant, I wake up ridiculously early in the morning and can't go back to sleep. It's presently 5:20am and I've already been up for an hour. Not cool...

I'm quite excited, we have our morphology scan this morning, and we can finally find out if this bub is a boy or a girl. I'll be honest and say I have my heart set on a girl. I've already warned those closest to me that if the scan does reveal another boy, I will be disappointed, I will cry, and I'll need a little while to adjust to the idea that I'll never have a daughter. It doesn't mean that I would love said boy any less, it's just a matter of readjusting how you pictured your life.

When I picture having a family with John and two boys, I feel a little lonely. I remember growing up as one of three girls, and even though we did fight (and still do), we used to have so much fun together. And even though Mum and I didn't get along while I was a teenager, we still had our moments that made it worth it. And we're so close now, I think it makes up for it. I found a picture not long ago of Mum and Kel doing each other's hair, and it made me realise how much I would miss having that "girly" relationship within my own family. I am in many respects the girliest girl, and the thought of having a life revolving around sport, cars, dirt, noise, blue, testosterone, and so forth... it feels lonely.

Having said that, I do actually like some sport, I love how noisy Alex is, and how much fun I have with him, and two such little creatures would still be divine. Who's to say that a "girly" relationship would develop with my daughter? She might hate pink. She might hate ballet. She might hate everything that I love doing. She might never want to get married or have children. In either case, girl or boy, I'll love this child more than anything.

Other interesting happenings... John got a new job! His last day at his present work is next week, the day before Christmas eve, then he has a month off to spend with us, then starting new job late January. His new job has a 40 hour week, with NO OVERTIME, and if he does do any, he actually gets paid for it. And handsomely. Perfect for him. Even now he's winding down at his job, and not having to bring work home every night, and work weekends, he said he's starting to feel the tension dissipate. 'Twill be nice to have a happy non-stressed husband again.

The thing that impresses me about his job hunting is how employable my husband is. His recruitment agent tells him he's one of the most marketable accountants around. And he hasn't even finished studying. Even though he was the last "interviewee" for this job, he still managed to get it, even though it asked for someone with their CA or CPA. He's just so good at his job. It impresses me.

He also managed to pull another distinction out of his ass for his last module for his CPA. He's now halfway through, with no fails. The man's a wonder. This current exam took place while working 60-70 hour weeks, having done a half-assed three days of study, taking care of me with morning sickness, and his toddler. And he still managed to get a distinction.

Should probably try and rest before Alex wakes up...

The Family Update

Sooo, I'm a slacker who couldn't be bothered writing anything for ages. So here's what's been happening in the family of late...

We're expecting bub #2! Due date is presently 11 May next year, but I think it may a few days earlier than that. We had a nuchal translucency scan last week, and everything was great. So comforting to go to that twelve week scan and see a heart beat. We'd ended up having a dating scan around six weeks, due to some crazy cycles, but we couldn't see much back then. My belly has already grown quite noticeably, so I was also fairly sure things were still growing quite well. Disturbing as it is to have an obvious baby belly at nine or ten weeks, let alone fourteen.

I haven't particularly enjoyed this pregnancy much thus far, but things are turning around now. My morning sickness was much milder this time around than with Alex. I only really vomited twice from morning sickness, as opposed to chucking up in the basin in the bathroom at work every morning. I never seemed to make it to the toilet... I did pick up a horrid cold about a fortnight ago which has made me start vomiting daily again, but it's not so much morning sickness as an abundance of phlegm that motivates my presently sensitive gag reflex.

However, the constant nausea and tiredness really took it out of me. The tiredness is still getting me, but that's probably due to having an almost-two-year-old more than anything. I started feeling sick around the four week mark, and it was demoralising to have my dating scan and be given a date four days later than I'd predicted. That meant four extra days of feeling like that. I almost cried at the time. Morning sickness got me down to the point where I had no joy or excitement about being pregnant. I was terrified half the time of something going wrong, physically drained and just miserable. I wouldn't go so far as to say prenatal depression, but it wouldn't have been far off it. I knew I'd feel chirpier once I had a bit of energy back, and glad to say, since last Thursday, I'm almost back to me. Much more excited about having another baby now.

Not that I have changed my mind as to this being our last baby. Boy or girl, I'm not doing this again.

We see our midwife for the first time tomorrow, so looking forward to that. We liked our midwife with Alex, but she doesn't do the group midwife program anymore, so we have someone new. We're not too fussed, as long as she isn't too tree-hugging, as some of the other group midwives tended to be.

I was actually keen to use an OB and go to the private hospital this time around, mostly due to my Dad's povvo experience at the John Hunter, where they made him wait three days for an operation, without any food or water in that time. His veins were collapsing by the time they were trying to put a drip in so he didn't, you know, die and stuff. The doctors were basically begging us to go to the media so they could draw attention to the administration problems there, but I guess Mum & Dad couldn't be bothered after he finally got his operations. (He needed two in the end because they left him for so long.)

Anyway, John wasn't too keen on the private system being that we had such a positive experience with Alex, so we're going through the birthing centre, using the group midwifery system, where we see the same midwife the whole way through, and she will (theoretically) be there to deliver the baby. We still get a private room at the John Hunter anyway, so not too fussed on the accommodation. Alex's birth was so easy, drug-free and positive, I can only hope it's the same this time.

Besides pregnancy stuff, things have been pretty busy around here. John has been absolutely flat-out with his work the last few months, after being promoted to business analyst, but still doing financial accountant role at the same time until they find someone to replace him. He literally works almost every day, including weekends, until 11pm. The past few months have been tough on both of us, with my morning sickness and his excessive work hours, we haven't had time to be there much for each other. We got through it though. I'm at least feeling human enough to clean the house and cook dinner now, so he doesn't have to come home after a hard day to a pig-sty, a miserable wife and a hungry son.

Alex is growing up fast. Almost two. We started toilet-training today. I guess. I have no idea what I'm doing. I don't know if Alex is quite ready yet, so I'm not being too hardcore about it. He wore undies for the first time today anyway. He sat on the toilet a few times, but he didn't quite hit the toilet with the wee. He did hit the floor once, the high chair twice, and his nappy during his nap. But I guess we have to start somewhere. Maybe I should google how on earth I'm supposed to toilet train a boy.

His speech hasn't progressed a huge amount, but John and I noticed the other week that some words he has trouble with, he actually inhales rather than exhales, so we're going to make an appointment to see our lovely nurse at our GP and possibly get a referral to a speech pathologist. He understands almost everything you say now. When he feels like it. When Mummy says "sit on your bottom" when he's running along the lounge, sometimes, he doesn't quite get that one... Much more fun to run to the corner giggling at Mummy.

He's a good boy though. Very few hissy fits. His major one is when we go to Westfield, and he finds his way into Kid Central where they have a Thomas the Tank Engine set up, which he'll happily play with for hours if we let him, but as soon as we try to leave to store, he chucks a gigantic tanty. Kind of embarrassing. Luckily, if you then head up the top floor of Borders with the kids books, it distracts him enough to calm him down.

Through some kind of osmosis, he now loves anything Thomas, even though he only saw the show for the first time last week. He sleeps with a Thomas shape sorter until I take it out after he falls asleep, but then when he wakes up in the morning, he cries out for it again. He was obsessed with a pink car for a week or two, but John's glad he's moved on now.

So I'm sure other stuff has been happening, but my burst of energy has depleted and it's time to sleep!

Our NZ Trip

So John and I both turned 30 this year. Horrifying in itself that our twenties have gone, but as an amazing 30th present to us, John's parents gave us a trip to NZ! We didn't have a huge amount of time, with John's work, and we were concerned about extended travelling with Alex at just over 18 months, so we went on a six day trip to the North Island in July. It was absolutely amazing, beautiful, and exhausting. Mostly due to Alex lack of willingness to sleep in any bed besides his cot. Which meant he shared a bed with John and me for the week, and we sang Rock a Bye Baby over and over until 10pm, after which John and I feel asleep while Alex was still up.

We still got to see quite a lot, obviously not as much as we would have without Alex. We spent most of the time based in Rotarua, then two nights in Auckland. Auckland was disappointing. Kind of a poor man's Sydney. Without the bridge. Or anything to see or do.

Rotarua, on the other hand, was a great pick. It is basically the centre of Maori culture, as well as basically built on geothermal land. We also went to the glow-worm caves from there, which we all loved. So amazing to sit in a boat silently floating in a pitch black cave with thousands of tiny glow-worms twinkling above you. Until they tell you it's actually the excrement of the insects that actually glows. But still...

So photos...

We got to Auckland fairly late on the first day. I'd actually had a job interview the day before down in Sydney, so we stayed the night at my aunt's house, and my cousin Lisa skipped uni to take up to the airport in the morning. Four hour flight was a great length for Alex's first flight. Took us a while to find the hire car and fit Alex's car seat in the torrential rain (would it be that much of a hassle for the hire company to do this for you??). Alex was pretty good on the plane. He'd had an ear infection the week before so we'd worried about his ears, but he was fine. Planes are "birrs", so he was quite fascinated by the airport. Drove the three hours-ish to Rotarua, checked in to the apartment, which, by the way, was fabulous for what we were paying. Probably because it was about 100 m from the thermal village and absolutely reeked as soon as you walked out the door.

Geothermal activity means sulfur. Sulfur smells like rotten eggs. Every time I walked out the door, it seemed to slap me across the face. John adjusted apparently. We did, however, refer to Rotarua as "where the Earth farts".

First day in Rotarua, we went to Lady Knox geyser. Twas quite the geyser.

Then to some mud pools.

We tried our first of several unsuccessful attempts at the local cuisine that night. Perhaps we were just unlucky, but we found the food in Rotarua was shite. To put it politely. The best meals we had were meals from the supermarket prepared in our apartment.

Next day, we started with a tour of Whakarewarewa, which was the thermal village up the street from our apartments. That was pretty amazing. It's a living thermal village, which means the native Maori inhabitants still live there. The tour guide didn't actually live in the village but was a descendant of the tribe. It was kind of weird to tour around people's actual houses, but they seemed to not mind. Most of them seemed to be involved in the "touristy" side of the village, performing in the cultural show (everyone loves a haka), and the like.

The tour guide explained the village such that the village is the "house" of the people living there, and their individual houses were their bedrooms. Cooking, washing, cleaning, eating, were all done in communal areas. The thermal waters were used for power, for their cooking, and for bathing. The waters were amazingly blue and clear. And 100 degrees Celsius. We ate our lunch there, eating some food that had been cooked in the thermal waters. (And a coke).

That afternoon, we thermalled it up again and went to the Polynesian Spa. That was awesome. We decided to splash out a bit, and paid for a private deluxe spa for half an hour, and it was divine. We had this amazing view over Lake Rotarua, and could swim in the nud if we wanted to. I hired swimmers (who packs swimmers for NZ in July), but did end up going in the nud. You only live once. Alex absolutely loved this as well, with the bath-warm water in the open air, swimming with Mummy & Daddy, and birds flying overhead. Probably our favourite activity of the trip.

Next day was Glow-Worm Cave day. We went through the Ruakuri cave, as well as the actual glow-worm  cave. Ruakuri cave had glow-worms also, but not quite like the other one. Ruakuri had amazing cave formations, and started Alex's favourite saying of the trip "Ooh, wow!". He wasn't overly keen on the caves to start with, when the first thing we did was go into a pitch black cavern, where the guide got everyone to shout at the top of their lungs. It took about ten minutes to get Alex to stop screaming. But after that, he was happy, checking out the stalactites and the like, in the Ergo on Daddy's back. Hard to get decent photos in the Ruakuri cave, and we weren't allowed to in the other glow-worm cave.

Next day was our favourite activity, although we had to say goodbye to Rotarua. We went on a tour of the Hobbiton site from Lord of the Rings, which is presently being rebuilt for the filming of the Hobbit. We had to sign confidentiality agreements to go on the tour, and am not supposed to publish photos, but I can show ones that don't give away movie secrets...

This was our favourite activity, mainly because we like the movies, and it was just so interesting seeing how and where they filmed Hobbiton scenes from LOTR, and also the rebuilding that was happening. And the countryside was storybook beautiful.

Our hotel room in Auckland was right near the airport, and while we were paying about as much per night as what we did for our gorgeous apartment in Rotarua, it was quite skanky. We actually had a nice meal in Auckland though, at a beautiful Thai restaurant. We missed our nice food. Alex enjoyed throwing rice all over their lovely restaurant, but luckily he's cute, so the waitresses didn't seem to mind.

Our last NZ day, we spent the day exploring Auckland. Actually we spent most of the time at the Sky Tower. Alex loved it up there, we had another great meal at the buffet restaurant up there, and it was raining, so our options were limited in any case.

Then we had nothing else to do. So we caught a ferry over to Devonport. It was cute. Kind of reminded me of Darby Street, except obviously over a larger space. And less cafes.

Had another nice dinner downstairs back at the Sky Tower, then back to the hotel to pack! Early flight home in the morning... Alex was great again. He got a little tetchy not far from the airport, but we could see boats in the water by then, so they kept him amused.

So it was an altogether lovely trip. I think we all had a great time, even though John and I came back more exhausted than ever. My lovely cousin Lisa picked us up at the airport in the morning again, probably voluntarily missing uni again. Slacker.

But shout out to John's parents for our amazing trip! We would never have bothered organising anything ourselves, even though we haven't been away since our honeymoon, except for the occasional weekend to Canberra. Not quite the same...