Wednesday, December 15, 2010

So we had our scan this morning. It's a little brother for Alex. I know I should be over the moon that our baby is healthy and all in one piece. But I'm devastated. I can't stop crying. I can't believe I'm never going to have a daughter. This is my family. Me and my three boys. No adorable pink dresses in this house. No baby ballet lessons. No taking my daughter wedding dress shopping. Picking out a formal dress. No fairy wings. I've put aside one of my old dolls in the hope we'd have a girl, and now I just feel like throwing it in the bin.

I am insanely jealous of both of my sisters and my friends that have little girls right now. I just finished sewing a Christmas dress for my niece, and am so envious that I'll never get to sew one for my own baby girl.

When I got home, I thought I can just put on some trashy tv and zone out, but I'm up to season of Friends where Ross and Rachel have a GIRL, Gilmore Girls would just be cruel to watch. Every show has some reminder that I'll never have a girl.

Being the good Christian girl that I am, I started praying for a daughter as soon as I gave birth to Alex. I prayed every day, every time I thought about it, for eighteen months. I keep trying to tell myself that God obviously wants me to be the mother of boys for some reason, and considering how much I prayed and still got the other, it must be a pretty special reason. It just doesn't give me any comfort right now.

I want to feel excited about this baby. When Alex wakes up from his nap, we'll go to the shops and I'll buy the cutest boy outfit I can find.

I knew I would be disappointed if I found out it was a boy, I just didn't expect to feel this bad. I figured I'd be a little sad for half an hour, then back to excited. Granted it's only been five hours, but I've pretty much been in tears for four and a half of those. My head hurts. I'm dreading people's comments. People telling me I should be grateful he's healthy. Of course I am. I'm not stupid, I know how lucky we are to have one healthy child, let alone another on the way. Anything anyone could say to me is just going to break my heart at the moment, whether they're trying to make me feel better or not. I don't want to talk to or see anyone except John and Alex.

The annoying thing is that we did everything we could to get a girl. I did the "girl diet", the timing, anything we could think of. John suggested we don't rule out having a third, but I figure being that we did everything "girlish" this time and still got a boy, there's no point trying again. Besides, I would only ever have a third if it was the right thing for my family, and I was happy to have either gender, and that wouldn't be the case. We've always said two kids. My whole life, I assumed they would be girls.

Yeeaccchhhh, I now have to prepare myself for acting super excited to everyone that asks what we're having. Maybe I'll just tell people we didn't find out so they don't say anything.

I know I'll feel better soon. I just need to vent. Nothing anyone says will make me feel better at the moment, I just need time to feel better by myself. I know as soon as the baby's born, I won't be able to imagine him any other way, and I can't wait for that. For now, I'll just avoid anything baby girl related, and try and get in the spirit of some beautiful baby boy nesting. Maybe go through some of Alex's old clothes and photos, and remember how lucky I am.

Stupid early mornings...

So far some reason when I'm pregnant, I wake up ridiculously early in the morning and can't go back to sleep. It's presently 5:20am and I've already been up for an hour. Not cool...

I'm quite excited, we have our morphology scan this morning, and we can finally find out if this bub is a boy or a girl. I'll be honest and say I have my heart set on a girl. I've already warned those closest to me that if the scan does reveal another boy, I will be disappointed, I will cry, and I'll need a little while to adjust to the idea that I'll never have a daughter. It doesn't mean that I would love said boy any less, it's just a matter of readjusting how you pictured your life.

When I picture having a family with John and two boys, I feel a little lonely. I remember growing up as one of three girls, and even though we did fight (and still do), we used to have so much fun together. And even though Mum and I didn't get along while I was a teenager, we still had our moments that made it worth it. And we're so close now, I think it makes up for it. I found a picture not long ago of Mum and Kel doing each other's hair, and it made me realise how much I would miss having that "girly" relationship within my own family. I am in many respects the girliest girl, and the thought of having a life revolving around sport, cars, dirt, noise, blue, testosterone, and so forth... it feels lonely.

Having said that, I do actually like some sport, I love how noisy Alex is, and how much fun I have with him, and two such little creatures would still be divine. Who's to say that a "girly" relationship would develop with my daughter? She might hate pink. She might hate ballet. She might hate everything that I love doing. She might never want to get married or have children. In either case, girl or boy, I'll love this child more than anything.

Other interesting happenings... John got a new job! His last day at his present work is next week, the day before Christmas eve, then he has a month off to spend with us, then starting new job late January. His new job has a 40 hour week, with NO OVERTIME, and if he does do any, he actually gets paid for it. And handsomely. Perfect for him. Even now he's winding down at his job, and not having to bring work home every night, and work weekends, he said he's starting to feel the tension dissipate. 'Twill be nice to have a happy non-stressed husband again.

The thing that impresses me about his job hunting is how employable my husband is. His recruitment agent tells him he's one of the most marketable accountants around. And he hasn't even finished studying. Even though he was the last "interviewee" for this job, he still managed to get it, even though it asked for someone with their CA or CPA. He's just so good at his job. It impresses me.

He also managed to pull another distinction out of his ass for his last module for his CPA. He's now halfway through, with no fails. The man's a wonder. This current exam took place while working 60-70 hour weeks, having done a half-assed three days of study, taking care of me with morning sickness, and his toddler. And he still managed to get a distinction.

Should probably try and rest before Alex wakes up...